(A
Draft Review 2003)
By
Hienrich Himmler & Matt Korang
Ed.
Note – If the following article offends anyone…..tough-titty.
Guten
Tag, pond scum!
You are all lucky that Herr Kommissioner could vork out a suitable draft time und place that der Neo-Nazis could grace you vis our presence. You had vonce again a chance to vitness der vell oiled machine in action at der draft table. Did you notice how quickly und confidently mein two coaches made deren picks? Sehr Smooth! All auf you other kackers floundered like die fische out auf vasser!
As is typical, I vill hand over der grading duties to mein Kommandant, Herr Korang. He vill review der draft und I vill chime in vis mein comments as necessary. Passen Sie gut auf!
Yes, you should all pay attention. Thanks Riechfuhrer!
Well, it was a fairly successful draft this year. Once again, Joe subjected us to his stifling, little sunroom. Nice location but no AC and a little cramped. As Lou and I get fatter, we will need a bigger room to draft in, Joe. Note to the Commish – Next year, if the weather cooperates, draft in the garage with fans and cigars. Now that would be fun. Not much to complain about though and at least Joe didn’t berate us like petulant step children.
We added a couple of new owners this season. Ken (Bearded Clam) and Chuck (Team Twister) afforded themselves fairly well and should offer some decent competition this season. Welcome, lads.
The rest of the owners were once again, rowdy as usual with the Nazis fartin’ and Cursin’, the Titlewaver constantly mentioning how great his team was (in fact, it got better with every beer.), and the Midget reminding us every five minutes that he won the league last season. Yep, same old, same old. A good time was had. In record time, also. The draft lasted only three hours as Joe showed his command of the Draft Room and the Computer software.
Once again, I figure I would force my opinions on all of you. I know you earnestly await my report card and predictions for the season. I think I am running about 80% accurate over the last two years. So, hear it goes…..
Josie’s Outlaws
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
B+ |
With these names you would think an A. But, Questions remain on each. |
|
RB |
B+ |
This could be an A if Lewis comes through. |
|
WR |
B+ |
Driver and Moulds should provide regularly. The rest are number twos. |
|
TE |
B+ |
Algae looks good. Eric Broke his collarbone last week so Algae better stay healthy. |
|
K |
B- |
Is Vandi no longer Dandi? |
|
Def |
A- |
Nice Dee with great LBs |
|
Final Grade – B+ Matt’s Take: Joe had a decent draft, but this team has ???? at QB, RB, and WRs. Each of these positions will depend on players stepping up. Favre, Brady and Plummer had subpar seasons last year. Lewis is stuck in a bad Offense. Moulds and Driver need one more solid Wideout to helpout. Heinrich’s Take: Vis a name like Konrad, you vould think Joe should haf a gut team. Gut, all weiß, personnel at quarterback. Ser Gut! |
||
The Bearded Clam
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
A- |
Culpepper for the first half and Vick for the second. |
|
RB |
B |
Questions abound around Candidate |
|
WR |
C+ |
Smith, Taylor and Boston as number ones. Need to come through |
|
TE |
A- |
Gonzalez the best TD producing TE out there. |
|
K |
A- |
Automatica Gramatica should gets lots of kick in the weak TB Offense. |
|
Def |
B- |
Not sure about this Dee. Some player on the downslide. |
|
Final Grade – B- Matt’s Take: The Wide Receiver position will kill this team. Smith is 40, Taylor is in a bad offense and Boston is still questionable though talented. If these guys come through, the Clams will be a force. Don’t count on it though. Will struggle to make the postseason. Heinrich’s Take: Ja, dis team has crappy schwarze receivers. He deserves an F for his efforts!!! |
||
Not on Sunday
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
A- |
As long as McNabb stays healthy. |
|
RB |
C+ |
George is a fantasy team killer. Garner and Smith are in RB by committee situations. Johnson is fumble prone. Yuck! |
|
WR |
C- |
Booker and Brown may be the only starting WRs in the bunch by midseason. |
|
TE |
B- |
Riemersma will get the TDs in Pittsburg |
|
K |
B+ |
Both of these kickers will produce adequate points. |
|
Def |
B - |
Average Dee. Nothing Special |
|
Final Grade – C+ Matt’s Take: Rob had a rough draft. McNabb will have to carry this team for it to have a chance. Maybe George will resurrect himself into a decent Fantasy back. I doubt it. This team is in for a rough ride. Will not be playing in December. Heinrich’s Take: That Schwarze quarterback…what is it vis der Irlander name? Who is he fooling? It vont be long before der gut people auf Philadelphia string him up for his poor play. Then Rob vill be scheisse out of luck! |
||
Team Twister
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
B |
Pennington is gone. Can Gannon hold it together for one more year? Chuck better hope so. |
|
RB |
A- |
If Taylor can manage to avoid injury (unlikely) this is an awesome backfield. |
|
WR |
C- |
Spent too many picks on RBs. All of these guys are second tier WRs |
|
TE |
C+ |
Both of these guys have teammate TEs to compete with for TDs |
|
K |
B |
If Janikowski stays out of jail, TT should be okay here. |
|
Def |
B+ |
Some nice names here. Decent Dee. |
|
Final Grade - B- Matt’s Take: It is a shame Chuck spent too many picks on RBs and back up QBs. His wide Receivers suffered. If Taylor goes down, this team could slump terribly and will miss the post season. Heinrich’s Take: Taylor is a veek ankled schwarze and Pennington is limp wrested englisch. Chuck should go und get that Italienisch Testaverde to lead his team. Horrible! |
||
Southern Strokers
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
B |
Brooks has looked shaky in the Preseason. |
|
RB |
A |
Good Gravy! Ricky Williams and Edgerrin James in the same backfield. Look out. |
|
WR |
B+ |
Horn is grade A. Smith is out the first four games. The other three don’t excite me. |
|
TE |
D |
Graham is second string and Miller is on the p-p-p-pathetic Texans. |
|
K |
B+ |
Elam is still long of foot. |
|
Def |
A- |
Nice Dee except for the ever injured Freak. |
|
Final Grade – B+ Matt’s Take: I am curious to see how Brooks does this season. If he falters will Haslett go to Bouman? If so, Ted will be searching for a QB. Hell, with the backfield he has, he may not need a QB at all. Heinrich’s Take: Brooks vill be lousy. He is lucky der KKK has not gotten him down south vere he plays. Is not Elam a holländisch name? He is veek like all der niederländisch! VEEK! |
||
Legion of Doom
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
A- |
Garcia is a good start and Hasselsplat could finish the season strong. |
|
RB |
B+ |
Holmes can carry a team but, is he healthy? Not thrilled with the rest. |
|
WR |
A- |
Owens, Rice, and Ward. Could be best WR corps out there. |
|
TE |
A |
Heap should see the endzone often. |
|
K |
B+ |
Reed is highly rated. |
|
Def |
B |
Decent Dee should hold its own. |
|
Final Grade – A- Matt’s Take: Once again, Ed proves his prowess around the Draft table. If only the BFFL wasn’t an Auction Draft, huh Ed? LOD should be a team to beat in its division and a shoe-in for the post season. Heinrich’s Take: Dis group auf schmutzig receivers is ser gut! Garcia is hässlich wie die Nacht. If you do not understand, LOOK IT UP!!! Rodman…That is englisch, no? |
||
Throbbing Penises
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
A |
Who to play, who to trade, Bledsoe or Warner. |
|
RB |
A+ |
Portis and Green??? Look out Strokers! Another stacked backfield! |
|
WR |
D |
Oh the humanity! What a train wreck! |
|
TE |
B- |
Pollard could be soooo good. Could be. |
|
K |
C+ |
Without Vick to run Atl into the scoring zone, Feely should suffer. |
|
Def |
B- |
Another ho-hum defense. |
|
Final Grade – B Matt’s Take: Jon spent so many picks on his backfield (QBs & RBs) that the rest of his team really suffered. Not sure this strategy will work. And it is a strategy that many DDFFLers took. Heinrich’s Take: Throbbing Penises, Ha! Jon said he vas laughing for three hours. He vas probably looking at his roster!!!! |
||
TitleWaves
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
B- |
It will be a tough decision for Randy to chose who to play on Sunday – Maddox or McNair |
|
RB |
A+ |
Tomlinson and Henry??? Oh my…a third stacked backfield. No wonder my team ended up with no RBs |
|
WR |
B- |
Not sure what to make of this crowd. Holt the only true stud. The others will need to step up. |
|
TE |
B- |
Sharpe is really old and Plummer is still ??? |
|
K |
B- |
Should provide points regularly |
|
Def |
B+ |
Nice Dee should provide bonus points now and again. |
|
Final Grade – B+ Matt’s Take: Randy’s only question will be who to start at QB each week. I have a feeling if he decides wrong, he could get into a cycle of choosing wrong over and over. Still, a strong team yet again for the former champ. Should make the post season. Heinrich’s Take: This Randy King is alvays mocking der ThirdRiech. Vit dis team he will be crushed by mien Neo-Nazis like a französisch deserter under a blitzing Panzer!!! |
||
Stunt Midgets
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
C- |
Yuck! |
|
RB |
A- |
Alexander and Dillon. Stud and Studly. Great backfield |
|
WR |
B+ |
Moss is awesome and Burress improving each game. If Santana can break into the Starting line-up, look out. |
|
TE |
C |
Yuck II! |
|
K |
B |
Vinatieri is solid. |
|
Def |
B+ |
Good LBs and DBs |
|
Final Grade – C+ Matt’s Take: Earth to Chris, Earth to Chris….Trade for a QB ASAP! Trade for a QB ASAP!!! Even without a QB, if one other WR can step up to accompany Moss and Burress, this team should do well. Get a QB and watch them run. Heinrich’s Take: Kris proves that last year vas a mistake. He vas so caught up in reminding efferyvon that he von der title last year that he made his draft beschissen! He should haf spent more time looking at his draft guide instead auf his trophy! Plus he has that Juden Fielder leading der team. Dis team vill fold like Frankreich!!!! |
||
And finally….My Nazis
|
Position |
Grade |
Comments |
|
QB |
A |
Manning better stay healthy. If not, change to a C |
|
RB |
C+ |
Damn, this is not good. Trade for Mack helps. |
|
WR |
B+ |
Harrison is the best. Price could have a good season. Need one more to step up. |
|
TE |
A |
Shockey should see more endzone this season. |
|
K |
A |
Akers the best. |
|
Def |
A |
Studly D that will produce lots of points |
|
Final Grade – B Matt’s Take: The lack of a running game will once again, kill this team. Poor draft positioning and the league love affair with RBs doomed the Nazis to a piss poor backfield. Still, the surrounding cast is great and the ThirdReich should easily march into the post season. Heinrich’s Take: Sei still! Sometimes you know nothing! Our Draft vas superior to all auf der other schwienhunts! You vill all see. You vill all tremble in fear as you march into der Oven, our new stadium in der heart auf der Fatherland. No other franchise stands a chance auf victory vis this mighty team ve haf built! |
||
Predictions
I guess Joe really did himself a favor putting himself in the division with the two new teams! I guess this is payback for his piss poor draft position in the first round. Lets look at the Divisions:
East
Josie's Outlaws
The Bearded Clams
Not On Sunday
Team Twizzler
Southern Strokers
West
Stunt Midgets
Neo-Nazis
Legion Of Doom
Throbbing Love Muscles
TitleWaves
My God!!! What the hell happened here. We should have an investigation.
Anyway, looking at the division layout I think Joe and Ted will duke it out for supremacy of the East. And believe it or not, the four wildcard team could come from the West.
I see the following teams making the post season:
Josie’s Outlaws
Southern Strokers
Legion of Doom
Neo-Nazis
Titlewaves
Throbbing Penises.
As it sits, I see Josie and LOD winning their divisions and LOD eventually prevailing taking the first title for the Boyz For Joisey.
Well, that is all from me for the preseason. Back to you Heinrich.
| Sehr
Gut!
Achtung! You vill listen to mein vords. None auf you verlierendes haf a chance this season. This is der year auf der ThirdRiech. Ve vill rule der DDFFL Vorld. Your blut vill curdle at der thoughts auf facing der Neo-Nazis each veek. Be prepared und be scared. Be sehr scared!!!! Auf Wiedersehen
|
Mein Boss! |
